Everyone has that friend. The one who shows up 45 minutes late to dinner. The one who "lost track of time" before the big birthday party. The one who says they're on their way to the bar and hasn't left the house yet.
So is it ethical to tell them a different meeting time than everyone else? The question recently lit up TikTok comments after a user posted about showing up 22 minutes early to a dinner reservation – only to learn that her friends made the reservation for 30 minutes later than they told her. One commenter understood where she was coming from: "I’m habitually late to everything. My friends know it’s a flaw and love me anyway. Glad you have good friends too!!" Others were less kind: "No literally like, it’s just a sign of basic respect to your friends to be on time if you plan something together, it’s not that hard."
Etiquette and ethics professionals say communication is the best way to address friend groups with different standards and understandings of timeliness, especially as the definition of "on time" varies between cultures.
"Communicate expectations early and remain adaptable, knowing that what may seem late to you could be right on time for someone else," says etiquette expert Lisa Grotts.
Maybe you grew up in a household that always showed up 15 minutes early to everything. Or maybe 7 p.m. always meant 8 p.m. Either way, when you become an adult and start organizing plans for yourself, you're bound to encounter some friction.
If you keep showing up late, that could send an unintentional message. "When you are late, it says that your time is more important than everybody else’s," Grotts adds. "It’s not. If this type of behavior continues, you might find yourself off the party guest list."
Then again, if you're planning the party and expecting people to show up hours late, someone arriving on time might be just as rude.
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But is it actually acceptable to deceive friends so they arrive when you want? Maybe. And maybe not.
"Consider whether any of the friends would be upset if they found out that the dinner party planner had communicated differently to each person," says Taya Cohen, professor of organizational behavior and business ethics at Carnegie Mellon University. When thinking in terms of ethics, intention is key to determining whether a choice is right or wrong (or somewhere in between).
That said, "it is best to avoid lying," says Brad Fulton, associate professor of management and social policy at Indiana University Bloomington. "Mainly because lies often beget more lies." Straight-up confronting could cause even more of a headache, though: "If a person confronts a friend about their chronic tardiness, the friend might accuse the person of being controlling, citing that being on time is a cultural value, not a universal value."
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If you're still stuck on what to do, consider these tips.
◾ Ask for their help before the event starts, or mention something vital happening right away. Maybe say "you are planning something special for the beginning and it’s important that everyone be there by a specific time," Fulton suggests. Asking for their help, too, may "make them feel valued," Grotts says.
◾ Start on time even if the guest hasn't arrived. "It’s not exactly a subtle message, but it’s definitely a nonverbal cue that the party will go on without them," Grotts says.
◾ Create incentives for those who get there on time. "For everyone who does arrive on time, give them a reward," says psychologist Reneé Carr. "This could be a special drink, a tasty treat, or bonus points if you are having game night. Make sure that there is a cut-off time and a limited amount of these 'rewards' so that anyone who is late will regret not being on time."
◾ Be patient. Remember that everyone comes from different backgrounds. No one's way is correct or incorrect. "If this is a friendship you value, try to avoid getting upset with the person," Carr adds. "They might not be used to anyone holding them accountable, being punctual, or may lack awareness of social etiquette."
◾ Just go ahead and tell them an earlier start time – but tread carefully. It might just be easier for everyone's sake. But this too could backfire. Fulton says: "If a person does decide to give their perpetually late friend an earlier start time, they need to be willing to endure the awkwardness if the friend actually shows up on time."