What is 'modern monogamy'? Why it's a fit for some couples.

So many relationship structures are out there, reflecting diverse needs, desires and expectations. As a society, we have begun to talk about the fact that not everyone wants to be monogamous and that it might not make everyone happy. However, many have yet to notice that even within monogamy, people are broadening its definition (and shifting its timelines). 

When someone says "monogamy," we often think of marriage, kids, the works. And yet, just because someone may prefer to be with one person at a time does not mean they want to be with that person forever.

What is modern monogamy?

The term "modern monogamy" is sometimes used to speak to a dynamic where an individual prefers an exclusive partnership with another person but understands relationships as impermanent or seasonal. They have released the notion that one person will be with whom they spend their entire life. Or that this one person will align with who they become in the future or remain compatible with time. 

For example, what you want in a partner at 20 may differ from what you want in a partner in your 40s. As you go through life, you may seek different types of support, connection or traits. Sometimes, to remain compatible with someone throughout a lifetime, we stop ourselves from growing and changing. 

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Modern monogamy can be understood as writing different chapters with different people. Some people will have a longer word count than others, but there is no expectation that one story will last forever. That's not to say they would oppose this outcome – if it happens, great! It's refusing to commit to something just for the sake of commitment, instead to constantly engage in reevaluating if the relationship is the right fit.  

Modern monogamy does not mean: 

1. Leaving the instant things get difficult. It's not about finding a new partner just because we don't want to deal with issues that exist with our current one.   

2. Always looking for something better. Modern monogamy doesn't mean we have one foot in and one foot out, never fully committing to the relationship or doing the work because we are perpetually looking to start a relationship with someone new.  

3. Making our partners feel like they are on probation. It's not about waiting for our partner to mess up, so we have an excuse to leave. It's not about making them feel like they are being assessed and graded.  

Modern monogamy can mean:  

1. Not forcing a relationship to work. It’s about allowing relationships to come and go. It’s about staying attuned to how the dynamic impacts and aligns with us (or doesn’t). It’s about not forcing, trapping or guilting ourselves into a single relationship.  

2. Never going on relationship autopilot. This form of modern monogamy encourages a practice of self-awareness, checking in, and communicating with our partner. 

3. Building the best relationship you can for as long as possible. It's loving someone enough to let them go when they are unhappy or loving yourself enough not to sacrifice your whole life for the sake of a relationship.

4. Accepting that even relationships that don’t last forever can be significant. Instead of assuming that the only way for a relationship to have value is if it doesn't end, it’s understanding that temporary things can be just as meaningful.  

Is modern monogamy right for you?

With modern monogamy, like any other relationship dynamic, it's important to communicate what you want with your partner and remain open about how you view the relationship.

Modern monogamy is used by many to honor themselves and those they love. It’s an agreement that allows them to experience love, partnership and commitment while also being open and curious about the continuous alignment and not shying away from being willing to adjust, shift or let the relationship go.  

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